What makes love, and marriage, last? This question has been the focus of clinical psychologists John and Julie Gottman for decades. They have dedicated years to studying the dynamics of successful relationships.
The Gottmans interviewed over 3,000 couples and followed some for up to 20 years. After extensive research, they concluded that there is no set formula for a long-lasting partnership. However, happy couples do share certain traits that provide a solid foundation for their relationships.
The Importance of Making Repairs in Marriage
One key quality of successful couples is their ability to “make repairs.” This means acknowledging and apologizing for mistakes instead of letting them linger. Julie Gottman explained, “The couples who were successful a few years down the road were the ones who made repairs. They made repairs when their partner didn’t receive a bid for a connection or if they said the wrong thing.”
You don’t need grand gestures like flowers or expensive dinners to show your love. A simple, kind comment can be more than enough. John Gottman shared an example from one of his clients, who said, “Well now that we’ve destroyed each other’s personalities, how about a piece of cheesecake.”
Positive Interactions and Avoiding Red Flags
Another crucial factor for a happy marriage is maintaining positive expression, especially during conflicts. The Gottmans suggest that couples resolve their issues within 15 minutes and aim for at least five positive interactions for every negative one during conflicts. This 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions helps keep the relationship healthy.
The Gottmans also advise couples to avoid “red flag” phrases. Open and honest communication is essential. Criticizing your partner can lead to a negative perspective setting in.
In conclusion, while there is no magic formula for a lasting relationship, making repairs, maintaining positive interactions, and avoiding harmful communication can significantly contribute to a happy marriage.
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